Financially Possible

When I meet new people and they learn that I’m retired, a frequent reaction is “So young?”. Little do they know about the complexity of my past.

Angst, depression, suicide, and early retirement have all been part of my life.

For a long time, only a handful of people knew about my past suffering. I thought most people wouldn’t be able to grasp the pain of such experiences anyway. However, significant increases of suicide rates in the U.S. (including a string of recent celebrity suicides) created a strong urge within. I feel more and more compelled to share about my experiences with others. My hope is to save lives. Why?

The following quote from the 2018 film A Wrinkle In Time says it all:

“Do you realize how many events, choices, that had to occur since the birth of the universe leading up to the making of you? Just exactly the way you are.”

The angst and depression I experienced were quite different. During my teenage years, my angst developed into a full-blown existential crisis. I questioned if my life would ultimately have any meaning or purpose. I came to believe that there was no purpose in anything and took a pure materialism view of the universe.

The Sources of My Angst

In middle school and high school, I was extremely studious and focused. I was also highly emotional and affected by the emotions of those around me. In 6th grade science, I had learned about the many threats to continued human existence. Our situation on Earth began feeling hopeless to me. I allowed myself to feel too much of the pain of my friends, family members, and classmates.

While in high school, I began asking myself several deep, philosophical questions. I had come to the conclusion that it was unfair that we don’t get asked whether or not we’d like to be born. I now realize my absurdity of being so certain that we don’t get asked. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, the nihilistic beliefs I had recently formed were extremely painful.

Update: I was also bullied during my early school years. My childhood nickname was Bo. I struggled with my weight throughout school. My ears stick out from my head more than most — the better to listen with. Some students began calling me Dumbo. In 4th grade, a girl on the playground saw the tag on the back of my jeans. She called me out on the fact that my waist size was greater than the length. This hurt more than being called the Disney name.

In middle school, I had asked to be called Rob or Robert instead. A girl I had a crush on affectionately called me Rob-Bob. Other students mutated this into Rob-Blob — that didn’t take long. I learned that children can be cruel knowingly or unknowingly.

To focus on my studies, I avoided the distraction of expressing my interest to any girls to which I was attracted. That changed during my junior year, because I was already well on my way to graduating valedictorian. I expressed my interest to three or four women and faced a series of rejections. I questioned if I was unlovable — at least in the romantic way.

Survival Story of My Suicide Attempts

All of this culminated in my first of two suicide attempts. Despite my success as a student, I was experiencing considerable pain and not talking about my emotions with anyone. During my first attempt, I was inside my car on the exterior edge of my high school’s campus. I released chlorine gas into the vehicle. The gas went into my throat, nose, and eyes and burned. Within eight seconds or less, I opened the door to the car and just ran. I couldn’t follow through with it as the method I had selected was too painful. Prior to this, I was a fairly good swimmer and could remain underwater for more than a minute. Afterward, I didn’t like being near a swimming pool due to the scent of chlorine. Not until I was 30 did I feel comfortable returning to swimming pools.

I decided to try again and purchased a package of sleeping pills. On a Friday night, I swallowed all 24 and washed it down with a bit of alcohol. Then, I slept 36 of the next 48 hours and felt like a zombie during the few hours I was awake.

Living through those experiences, I decided that I must have a purpose to be here. Someone, or something, really wanted me around. The universe does not make mistakes. Genetic drift and mutations (which can be viewed as mistakes in a short time frame) result in evolution over very long periods of time. Though I didn’t know what my impact here on Earth might be, I suspected that it would be important.

During my early 20s, I thought a lot about how to improve my odds at having a greater impact. And financial independence was a large part of the answer. I decided to become financially independent as soon as possible to free up much of my time. In my mid 30s, I achieved that.

Aside from having a clearer mind about my existence, I still felt I had to do something about my powerful emotions. I decided that I’d turn off my emotions like Data from Star Trek: TNG. I emulated other behaviors of his like avoiding the use of contractions in my speech and writing.

My Family’s Loss

In my late 20s, I realized that emulating Data was unhealthy so I stopped pretending I didn’t have emotions. This was before I met Nina and before I lost my younger brother Sean. He was a sensitive and caring person. He frequently expressed concern for others and often prioritized their well-being above his own.

I suspect that Sean was highly attuned to the pain other people were feeling and to the pain of the world. He suffered from substance abuse. After his 29th birthday, he died from a fentanyl overdose. My mother is convinced that his death was a suicide due to some things he had said in his last weeks of life. I agree with her.

I feel there is quite a lot of overlap between the root causes of suicide, substance abuse, the opioid crisis in America, and school shootings. I think the way forward starts with a lot more human compassion and an early focus on mental health — in our homes, our schools, and our religious institutions. This world is a tough place. It’s very easy to succumb to all the pain within and out there. We need to end the stigmas around talking about difficult or uncomfortable topics. We need to empower each other and make it clear that each individual is part of the solution. You are the light of the world. We need everyone to know that each loss due to suicide or addiction brings more darkness and pain to our already tough world.

Why Share Now?

What’s my purpose in sharing my message now and being open about my suicide attempts?

• I want people experiencing depression and/or suicidal thoughts, and in particular our youth, to know that there is nothing wrong with them. I want those suffering to know that other people care, that I care, and to understand the importance of finding a trusted person whom you can talk with about what you’re feeling and experiencing.
• I want parents to understand that nobody is exempt. Every child is precious and a suicide risk. Suicide knows no boundaries of class, gender, ethnicity, or levels of success. No level of money or fame makes anyone exempt from potential suffering. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were both lost to suicide in a single week of June last year. Frequently talk with your children about their feelings. If they prefer not to talk with you, then make certain they have someone accessible whom they are comfortable speaking with.
• I want to start a movement where people who have attempted suicide openly share their experience. #OutOfTheDarkness is a reasonable name for the movement since it’s used by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, but another name could be used as well. I want this movement to become as well known as #MeToo. I recently learned of Kevin Hines sharing his remarkable story of surviving his suicide attempt.
• I believe in the utmost importance in saving lives. The world has many problems that are not going to solve themselves. The most challenging ones will require all 7.7 billion of us. I also believe that many individuals with the most risk of suicide can have a greater impact towards solving these large scale problems. Both Ghandi and MLK Jr. had suicide attempts before age 20. How different would history have been if either of their light had been extinguished from Earth even earlier?
• I want to be invited to speak in front of audiences of adolescents and adults on the topic of mental health, living with pain and negative emotions, my own life experiences, and the importance of life.
• I’d like you to consider donating to or participating with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I’ll be walking in one of their #OutOfTheDarkness community walks on March 9th. I’m walking for my brother Sean and to recognize my own struggles and survival. If you’d like to donate in honor of my walk, then you can do so here. Funds you donate to AFSP bring educational programs on mental health and suicide prevention to our communities. Donations for my walk can be accepted until June 30th (even though the walk was in March).

How My Depression Differed from Angst

I first experienced depression in my mid 20s. For me, it was defined by numbness and fatigue. I had mentally and physically checked out from nearly every aspect of my life. I was not taking care of my health. I felt little desire to do much of anything other than to escape to alternate realities provided by video games. One area of my life that I still managed reasonably well was my finances. Financially, I had much room for improvement. but I was saving roughly 30 percent of my after-tax income.

Continuing the course I was on would have led to a slow, drawn-out death or an early age heart attack. In 2007, I summoned the desire to change course. Not only did I become much more physically fit, I became more financially fit.

Global Impact of Suicide

I’ll share a few thoughts on the impact of suicide globally. It’s estimated that we lose 800,000 to 1 million people annually due to suicide. Consider that the infectious disease which causes the greatest number of deaths is tuberculosis at 1.6 million per year. We need to treat suicide like the true public health emergency that it is. The impact to family members and friends is deeper and more painful than most other causes of death. In much of the world, suicide rates are falling except during the years of the global financial crisis. In the United States, suicide rates have been on the rise for quite some time. Particularly alarming are the rising rates among teenagers and young adults. We must reverse these trends.

Early Retirement

In retrospect, the painful events in my life probably served a purpose. The sequence of events and decisions I have made has resulted in an early retirement for myself and my family. Now, it is up to me to fulfill my purpose. Currently, I have some grand ideas about what I want to do with my time. You can read about my ideas and visions here, here, and here.

Since early retirement almost 2 years ago, life has been pretty awesome. Many new doors and experiences have opened for me. I’ve grown in so many positive ways. The possibilities seem endless nowadays.

At the same time, getting to where I am today hasn’t been a smooth ride. I think about those two near-death experiences frequently.  Life is quite unpredictable… if you only knew what the future holds.

If you’re a survivor of suicide attempts, please consider adding light to your story of #OutOfTheDarkness. Share what led you to your dark state and how your life has unfolded since. Together, we can share a story of hope and overcoming. Trust me, your story does make a difference. There’s someone out there feeling similar to how you once did and they need to hear from you. We can save lives.

My wish for you: find your happy, make healthy choices, be true to yourself, and

Live Long and Prosper,
Trip Seibold 子兴

“You’re original, cannot be replaced.” — Katy Perry; congratulations on her recent engagement